Finding light in Darkness

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When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.

 Madeleine L’Engle quotes

I have no memories of those thirty plus days.. no memories of what was actually happening.. the only memories I have are of the dreams that permeated my every sweaty pore.. 

Heat. Stillness. Trapped. Dry. Ripping. Tearing. Pain. Beeping. Breathless. Blind.

The common statement that people tell me is “Be thankful you don’t remember anything from your month in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit”.  Thankful? How can I be thankful for a month of my life that vanished when the lights dimmed out?  Why couldn’t those drugs they gave me to keep me asleep and banish my memories have extended 2 hours earlier so that I couldn’t remember the accident. 

God had some plan.

I have memories, but only the ones trapped in my mind as I layed there tied to my bed.. tubes down my throat breathing for me.. tubes into my stomach feeding me.. tubes in my veins nourishing me.. Needles in my arms checking me.. scalpels cutting into me,  trying to fix me.. staples, screws, wires, and sutures.. woven into me.. putting me back into place.

Beep.  Beep.  “Colleen, Im here.. I love you”.  Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, “Colleen, rest.. Can you feel my hand?”… 

So many people… cleansing me, changing my fluids, drawing my blood, packing and unpacking my holes, rolling my body, operating on me, and loving me.. 

Vulnerability.  The greatest fear.

Like the baby sparrow that lay on the rocks, like the child stranded in war.  The ultimate fear is being vulnerable.  

A verse in the bible resonates from my youth: 

Mathew 6:26- Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

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As I go through this journey of my own fear and reality, I think of that tiny sparrow.  His life almost ended.. and yet love stepped in to feed and nourish in the utmost time of vulnerability, until he was returned to his nest so that he could one day learn to fly.  

Many hands of love have stepped in to nourish me during times of darkness.. and that is the light I continue to hold onto in hopes of one day flying.  

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